I won't go whistling by your grave

13th August,Friday 2011..the day where for the first time i felt my whole world literally fell apart..

note : kids this is not a pg18 blog..nobody died..so yeah..you're permitted to read this^^ BUT..just to let you know..this is pretty corny..so read at your own risk :)

*back to theatrical mode*

The night where i thought i would never love another the same way again, the night where i literally stared at a text for 10-15minutes,the night where i spent 9-10 hours not eating,drinking or peeing but crying from 8.15pm(i have a very photographic memory for bad and happy memories..why can't i apply that in maths and econs-.-) until 12.30pm(the next day). the night i was dumped.

I spent the next 1 or 2 months totally stoned from reality..i could not face the fact that i put up 1 year and 8 months despite all the pain and believed promises to be dumped on my ass on one fateful night. I knew inside that i would eventually get over this and sooner or later everything restores back in order..but i didn't know when was 'eventually' or 'sooner or later'. I was convinced that i would never be genuinely happy after August 13th.

But God has been tremendously gracious and philanthropic towards me..i prayed everyday that i would somehow be saved from this dark hole i've been disposed into. It wasn't until fateful October 19th where God sent me an angel. And i'm not just saying that to make my story here sound good..He literally blessed me with a beautiful creation of His. Nick.

After October 19th until now it has been a magical. I have the closest to perfect most loving boyfriend ever now. The downside is that he lives 291km away from me..but because of the distance we rely not on touch but on communication and trust. Because of the distance we learn not to take each other for granted. Because of the distance we have yet to look forward to that oh so magical moment when we're together even if its just for one day in 6 months. Both in our respected homes with a shared vision of a future together. Both hoping and fighting for it together. And that has taught me a great deal to appreciate the little things in love and in life.

So what's all the above have to do with my post title? I may have slightly gone off topic.... O.O

Here I am sitting typing this out..sometimes i think about you whenever i see your status update so i click on your profile..i click on your picture and i stare at it. Not having second thoughts on my current relationship(never ever)..not having flashbacks on our sweet memories together..not wondering what you felt after you dumped me..not wondering whether i float through your mind or not and not hoping that one day you will realize your mistake of letting me go and coming back for me.

BUT...
merely...

wondering why did i do so many stupid yet shameful things when i was with you and after you dumped me..what possessed me to do so...what was i thinking...why was i so stupid..why didn't i stop myself...why didn't i listen to other people when they advised me...why did i had to find a way to justify allowing myself to do such stupid yet self hurting things...

wondering where did our love and our friendship go

and wondering how your voice sounded like ( Seriously..i forgot how he sounded like..wouldn't say its a bad thing though)

When you asked me did i hate you and i said no
i wasn't sure then..but i had to say no because i convinced myself that i don't hate people for silly little reasons
It took me a while to realize what you did to me wasn't just a silly little thing
but i'm not going to make it seem that you are the devil and that i'm perfect and innocent when i was with you
i admit i too had  my share of  prick-ness.
But now i can honestly say that i no longer hate you..i no longer want to make you to taste the same bitterness i tasted(karma will settle that for me)...

Despite what you did to me..and no matter how hard i tried to runaway from it..i could run to Russia but the feeling i felt on August 13th would never go away...all that pain,hurt,hate and frustration is dead and gone but the lesson under all those emotions stays with me

I have accepted the fact that you are a part of me..the part that made me stronger..not the part where completes me or gives me a reason for living...you're not that part anymore..you never were honestly...
What you did..made an impact on my life and i will carry that with me..no matter how far i go..the past is a part of me and the only reason i'm keeping it (but not dueling in it) is to remind me to never ever be the person i used to be.

So i no longer hate you..I thank you and i wish you well...I don't know how you feel towards me now..whether you still think of me or not..whether you hate me or not..i don't know..and frankly..i don't think i should bother of what you think of me...I'm glad we went our different ways..that was the best thing you ever gave me..